Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. The time of year people are more than willing to wait in exorbitantly long lineups for deals. Deals so fantastic they cannot be ignored. Deals so good that even I, a lowly university peasant, am willing to brave the swarms of consumerism to make full use of the gift cards I recieved for christmas.
Yes. The mission is dire. I may not survive. But it must be done for the greater good. By nature of my afflicted bank account and need of musical sustenance there is no choice in the matter. The quest weighs heavy upon my soul.
However, with proper preparation, strategy, and a strong sense of will, I shall overcome this trial and successfully navigate the haunted halls of West Edmonton Mall on this Boxing Day.
I will need an extensive checklist of necessary items
- Gift Cards (Obvious)
- Pepper Spray
- +2 Cloak of Wisdom
- Fire Starter Kit
- Emergency Blanket
- Hunting Knife
- Beef Jerky
- Bribing Money
- Flash-Bang Grenades
- Healing Potion
- Detailed Map
- First-Aid Kit
- Safety Balnket
Necessary Part of prepertion in understanding your enemy. During this most heroic venture I will encounter many fell beasts. Some of these abominations are exeplified below.
- Typical Asshole Customer
- Disgruntled Employee
- Mall Security
- Giant Spiders
- Mall Rats
Using Stealthy and Ninja-like techniques one can learn to deal with any of the above with ease. Utilization of any aforementioned tools in a clever manner ensures success.
Let it be known, that to accomplish my goals at effecient shoppery, I must maintain the offensive and only revert to defensiveness during times of peril and doom. But these situations will hopefully not arise because of the fact I am very well prepared. So I will take the offensive in order to make full use of my time and minimize the length of my stay. I will make full use of my longsword but more for intimidation then direct assault. Of course one cannot tell what measures may be necessary till one is in the fray.
3. Strong sense of will
Some of these shoppers are tenuous folk indeed. So it is up to myself to be tenuoser. Ill have to make full use of all of the following:
- Ridiculous Good Looks
- Gut Instincts
- Superb Reasoning Skills
These of course, are merely a few traits absolutely necessary to defeat the masses. Some of the individuals are wily folk and skilled maneuvering, combat, espionage and survival skills are not enough to defeat them and pesuasion, intimidation and clever thinking are needed to outcraft them at their own game.
Wish me well ladies and gentlemen, as I wade into the putrid waste of North-American consumerism, irresistable deals, and the sweat of the working class…
(note: I wrote this at work and forgot to post so I post it now)
(note: I never did actually get any shopping done…)